Taking off the Mask

What is unmasking, and can it be done in the workplace?

"All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages," - William Shakespeare.

While this is true, some have more complex parts than others. Acting is social lubricant. Politeness is a form of acting. A way for us to cohabit pleasantly in this society. But, some have to play roles that are far removed from their natural selves. Some of us suppress core behaviours so we are not singled out and ostracized. This type of acting is social camouflage. And neurodivergents do this more than neurotypicals. There are 3 different forms of camouflaging - Compensation, Masking and Assimilation. Compensation is applying strategies to help (such as having conversational scripts ready and learning to recognize facial expressions explicitly), masking is actively hiding traits of oneself so you seem more neurotypical such as hiding stimming (a self-stimulatory behavior that is marked by a repetitive action or movement of the body), making sure you have an intonation that matches your message or trying not to talk about special interests. Assimilation is a more extreme version of masking. You're acting like a completely different person, such as being an extrovert when you really are an introvert.

Again, everybody plays a part. We are different at work than at home. We are different around our parents or our partner. But masking is more harmful because it requires people to suppress who they truly are. It means not being authentic. It is relentless, and you never get a break, unless you are completely alone. This is exhausting! So, for many who are diagnosed later in life one question becomes central to the process of integrating their new diagnosis in their daily life. This question is: Who am I and what is my mask?

Fitting in

Many neurodivergent individuals feel pressured to conform to societal norms. Not because they truly want to themselves, but because they've experienced the negative effects of being their authentic selves. The bullying, the negative comments from adults, the disconnect. In a study aimed at validating of the Italian version of the Camouflaging Autistic Traits Questionnaire (CAT-Q) in a university population shows a high correlation between high likelihood of autism and more Camouflaging behaviours. This is because we are a social species. Without others we don't thrive.

Masking is often a coping mechanism to fit in. Additionally, workplace expectations sometimes demand conformity, which can lead to masking. We call this professionalism. Don't get me wrong, I don't think this is bad per se. It is good we clearly say that discriminating people is bad, that there is clarity around when you should be available for meetings, and how we treat our customers so their data is secure and we offer a service that meets their needs. However, dress codes can be hard on neurodivergent brains if you have certain sensory sensitivities, making the job harder and neurodivergents less likely to continue certain careers. All in all, having to hide yourself leads to greater level of cognitive and emotional stress, feelings of exhaustion, as well as anxiety and depression symptoms.

The Personal Journey of Masking

I am a later in life diagnosed woman who turns out to have ADHD. As a child I was enthusiastic, outgoing and loud. And that was not appreciated. Yes the bubbly me who was the life of the party was acceptable, at parties. But not every day, everywhere. Most of the time, I was too much. So I learned to hide. I learned to not react big. I learned to suppress my emotions. I wouldn't jump up and volunteer anymore. I cried alone in the shower. Anything to avoid being the crazy emotional girl. To make it worse, I also often failed to hide it fully. Making me both inauthentic and a failure, at least in my own eyes. You can imagine that this didn't lead to being my best self. I didn't live up to all the potential ascribed to me, and I didn't feel connected to people. I perpetually felt people didn't actually know me. And if they found out who I really was, they would abandon me. It was stressful, and sad and lonely. On top of that, I didn't exactly know why I felt that way, because looking objectively to my life everything was great. So what happened? Therapy, burn-out and despite to my best efforts, little to no progress. But all of that changed 3 years ago.

The Process of Unmasking

3 years ago I joined an employee network focusing on women. I started contributing to empowering others in their careers and leading projects I felt passionate about. And not only that, I connected with other super passionate people. Suddenly I didn't need to hide that part of myself anymore. And a thought started to creep in; what if I was indeed different, but not bad different. Neutral different. And eventually I sought a diagnosis. And that is when it all clicked. I am a woman with ADHD. Now ADHD isn't my entire personality, but it is how my brain processes information. So I now understand better how to work for my brain, rather than try to follow a path that just doesn't feel right. And one of the things I decided is to show my authentic self more in daily life. That includes at work. But begs the question; what is me and what is my mask?

I started by actually listening to the voice inside my head that said "you're being too much!" to actually realize when I was masking. Basically, any time I was mean to myself, I figured I might be masking. And then I tried doing what I wanted to do. At first it was scary, but I tried to remind myself that I was never in mortal danger. And gradually it became easier. However, some of my natural behaviours are not necessarily nice. Fidgeting? Not a problem, unless it seriously distracts another person. Interrupting - well that is okay sometimes but often it is very rude. So what to do then?

Living in line with your values, instead of masking

As indicated above, interrupting is something many ADHD brains do. It has many reasons; afraid to forget your thought again, lack of impulse control, enthusiasm. So even if those are all legitimate, they are not good reasons to interrupt in my opinion. And that is because interrupting wouldn't be in line with my values. One of my core values is deep respect for people in general. If you respect people you let them talk. So, I suppress my urge to interrupt. Not to fit in, but to live in line with my values.

This starting point, making sure my behaviour is in line with my values, feels so different from masking. I don't do it to fit in. I do this to live in peace with myself. And I can apply this to all behaviours. From modulating my volume, to fidgeting. I think of who I want to be and if what I do is in line with that.

The added benefit of this, is that I don't feel the need to justify myself for any changes in my outward behaviour. And the change in team dynamics that can come with unmasking, I feel I can explain them. And as the amazing Kate Isichei reminded me of; it's okay to let your manager explain changes in team dynamics or accommodations made on my behalf. In the end, not having to mask as much frees up my energy to help solve business challenges. And that, is why I was hired. I wasn't hired to fit in. And neither were you. You have a unique talent, and you should let it shine. Will it be easy? Probably not. Remember, even small steps are steps worth taking. You don't have to be perfect, and that includes perfectly unmasked. Take it at your own pace, and allow yourself to relax into your authentic self.

Conclusion

In conclusion, the journey of understanding and navigating the complexities of neurodivergence, particularly in relation to masking and unmasking, is a deeply personal and transformative experience. As highlighted throughout this exploration, many individuals, especially those who are neurodivergent, often find themselves caught in a cycle of social camouflage, leading to exhaustion and a sense of inauthenticity. The pressures to conform to societal expectations can stifle one's true self, resulting in emotional and cognitive strain.

However, the process of unmasking offers a path to authenticity and self-acceptance. It encourages individuals to embrace their unique traits and find ways to express themselves that align with their core values. By shifting the focus from merely fitting in to living authentically, one can foster deeper connections and a more fulfilling life.

Ultimately, the question of "Who am I and what is my mask?" serves as a powerful catalyst for self-discovery. It invites to reflect on their behaviors, challenge societal norms, and redefine identities in a way that honors our true selves. Embracing neurodiversity not only benefits the individual but also enriches the tapestry of human experience, promoting a more inclusive and understanding society.

Do you have questions? Do you want to know more about how people leaders can support unmasking? Schedule a call with me, completely free.

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